Roll With It

I swear I am one male incident away from wearing Birkenstock's. Saturday I called my brother to check in on how he is doing, but of course he blew up at me in his typical bi-polar manor. Seconds later I receive a phone call from my father in which he ripped me a new one for "harassing" my brother. Needless to say I was pissed and feeling pretty miserable by the end of the day. So as soon as I came home I curled up in the husband's lap looking for some sort of comfort, instead what do I get? A two hour lecture about how I need to get my act together and find a more stable career path. In one day I managed to be completely alienated and belittled by the three men in my life. Seriously what the hell? It was like they were collectively pmsing or something. I don't think I will ever understand the logic behind the total male meltdown. Rather than crying or pestering people like I typically do when I'm in a bad mood, the men in my life seem to just snap without warning and go on either ridiculously macho screaming fits like my father and brother or berate and lecture like my husband. Saturday night was just one big pissing contest for them. Either way it is enough to make me want to swear off men all together too bad I like men too much, macho meltdowns and all.

Date Night

At my bridal shower my maid of honor had everyone write a piece of advice on an index card and made a cute little book for me to hold on to. Amongst the typical, laugh, love and learn speeches was this particular gem, "Have a date night every week, even if it is just a cocktail hour when the kids aren't home." The hubby and I used to do this but after the wedding date night sort of took a back seat for a few months. As a result I ended up feeling more and more disconnected from him. I would look at him, and love him still but wonder where that spark went. I told him that he needed to make more of an effort and wouldn't you know, he listened to me for once. Last weekend he took me on the most amazing date. A fancy dinner with lots of drinks and a concert. It was fantastic! I felt like I was on a first date, butterflies and all. We drank champagne, whispered dirty things in each others ears and made out like high schoolers. Then just as the band begins to play, I slide my hand up his leg and run my tongue seductively around his ear, I gaze over his shoulder and who do I see staring back at me? The parents of one of my students...that sure killed my buzz. I was mortified! She ended up striking up a conversation about how her child was doing in class too. They sat behind us the entire night, which of course meant we had to keep our hands off each other. So the moral of this story is that although date nights are a wonderful idea and can really amp up the love life...make sure you know whose sitting behind you.

Crossing The Line

There is a line that every woman has. It's the line that separates your personal life and belongings from the life you share with your husband. When you are just dating or engaged that line is very clear and distinct. Your partner should have no question as to where that line is, he stays on his side of the line, you stay on yours. Then you get married and no one tells you that that line does not just begin to blur, it flat out up and disappears. Think about it, it begins when you start sharing a bed, it's not your bed anymore, it's "our" bed. Then you get married and it becomes "our" room then "our" house then "our" money and then finally "our" life. Your dreams are not your own anymore, once that hits you everything changes. It hit me hardcore last night. I watched my husband pick up MY toothbrush, brush his teeth and put it back because he was too lazy to find his own damn toothbrush and he "didn't think I'd care." That's when it hit me, I don't have my own life anymore, hell I don't even have my own damn toothbrush anymore. You share everything with your husband whether you like it or not an no one tells you that. Most women go into marriage thinking it will be the same as dating just with a ring, that nothing will change, you will both continue to live your own separate lives and just share some common ground; but it's just not true. When the officiant says that "these two people are now one" he means it, you share one life....and in some cases the same freakin toothbrush!!

Letting Go...

My husband has a cousin, let's call him Dan. Dan was a notorious womanizer. I have yet to meet him but in the three and a half years my husband and I have been together I have heard countless Danny stories. Apparently he was tall, dark haired with bright blue eyes and very very built. He would spend hours daily at the gym taking care of his body, needless to say he was very vain. So flash forward to the other night when my husband is talking on the phone making plans to meet up with Danny. I overhear the two of them laughingly comparing how much weight they've gained since becoming one woman men. Am I allowed to say it was a little sad? The two of them literally compared waist sizes....to hear them you would think it was two girls only instead of fretting over the extra poundage these two baboons seemed quite proud of themselves. Seriously, I weigh less now then I did when we first met. I try to keep myself in shape and looking good, the hubby on the other hand has just stopped caring. No he did not trick me into marrying him, I did not marry him for his looks (although I think he's handsome) but isn't it a little bit of a trick? I mean honestly, most men work out, dress nice, smell nice, keep themselves generally clean, fit and shaven when they're single and you think "that there is a fine looking man, I wouldn't mind waking up to that every morning." Then BAM! Three years goes by and there is this man sitting across from you, and the personality is the same, the same bright blue eyes look back at me, but the muscles are gone, the belly hangs over the belt buckle and you can no longer remember the last time he shaved more than once in any given week....welcome to married life.

Apparently I'm Normal

So I was talking to my therapist yesterday, yes I have a therapist, I used to think that therapy was just for rich snobs and crazy people who couldn't hack it at life. Well, I was wrong. I have found that sitting there on the couch with complete free reign to talk about my life gives me the same warm, safe feeling I used to get by curling up next to my mother and telling her what was going on in my life. Now that my mother is half a country away from me, it's nice to get the same comfort, advice and tough love from my therapist...although it would be nice if I didn't have to pay for it. Anyway, I finally worked up the nerve to ask my therapist if it was normal to occasionally have the undieing urge to fly to Europe and run away with the first good looking, pirate like stranger who will have you..well, maybe not the first stranger but you know what I mean, to fantasize about leaving it all behind you and finding a new adventure elsewhere. She looked at me very seriously and said, " I dream of selling my man on ebay at least once a month." It was a much needed little reality check. Yes, it is completely normal to mourn all of the adventures and journeys your life could have been. It doesn't mean that your a bad wife, or that you love your husband any less it simply means that you crazy adventure and miss being able to uproot yourself at a moments notice and follow your latest boy or whim to the other ends of the earth. So my next question is, how can I put that same sense of adventure into married life? Any ideas?

The Cool Wife

In every office, every group of married men really, there is one wife all of the men are jealous of. It's not that she is hotter than the others, not because she has legs that go on for days, it's because she let's her husband get away with things the other wives do not. She could careless when she finds porn on the browser, she buys her husband tickets to a hockey game for Christmas and thinks it's funny when he calls drunk from a strip club downtown at an office buddy's going away party...in other words, she's the "Cool Wife." Now I cannot compete with the other wives at the company my husband works at in any other way, they are typically gorgeous, perfectly groomed in their designer duds carrying their coach purses with their perfectly manicured hands. When they hear that I'm in the arts they say " well that's nice," at the holiday party this year, I asked one of them if I should dress up, she told me that they were all wearing jeans... when I got there they were all wearing dresses. But, apparently, I have beat them in a different way, you see, I am the "Cool Wife." The men were talking about Valentine's Day at the office and all scrambling to figure out something to do for their wives when they all stumbled upon a burlesque show not far from us. Of course the men would love to see it but none of their wives would let them, not only did I tell the husband he can go, but that I'd go too and we'd make that our Valentine's Day date. You mean your letting your husband watch practically naked women do sexy things on stage as part of your V-day date? Yup, that's why I'm the "Cool Wife."

The Intern

The husband has an intern at work. A "spunky" blond intern at work. A "spunky" blond, female intern at work whose waist is the size of my thigh. Now, I trust my husband but I can't help but be a little bit of a jealous bitch. He showed me her pictures on facebook and I swear she looks so friggin perfect in every damn one that I through up a little in my mouth. He did this in hopes of showing me a facebook picture, you know you have one, the obvious morning after shot or the "I was soo wasted" pic. I have one where a zit is literally trying to eat my entire face. We all have at least one super unflattering shot currently being publicly displayed in cyber space...not this bitch. Perfect pretty hair, beautiful make-up and great stylish outfits. Did I mention she has a southern twang as well? She's a student at the University my husband sells to and every year in April he goes down there for a conference. Three days in a conference center in the mountains of Tennessee, over looking a waterfall, alone without cell phone reception. This is not good. I trust my husband but still, that's like leaving a starving dog alone with a bone he's not supposed to eat..