Roll With It

I swear I am one male incident away from wearing Birkenstock's. Saturday I called my brother to check in on how he is doing, but of course he blew up at me in his typical bi-polar manor. Seconds later I receive a phone call from my father in which he ripped me a new one for "harassing" my brother. Needless to say I was pissed and feeling pretty miserable by the end of the day. So as soon as I came home I curled up in the husband's lap looking for some sort of comfort, instead what do I get? A two hour lecture about how I need to get my act together and find a more stable career path. In one day I managed to be completely alienated and belittled by the three men in my life. Seriously what the hell? It was like they were collectively pmsing or something. I don't think I will ever understand the logic behind the total male meltdown. Rather than crying or pestering people like I typically do when I'm in a bad mood, the men in my life seem to just snap without warning and go on either ridiculously macho screaming fits like my father and brother or berate and lecture like my husband. Saturday night was just one big pissing contest for them. Either way it is enough to make me want to swear off men all together too bad I like men too much, macho meltdowns and all.

Date Night

At my bridal shower my maid of honor had everyone write a piece of advice on an index card and made a cute little book for me to hold on to. Amongst the typical, laugh, love and learn speeches was this particular gem, "Have a date night every week, even if it is just a cocktail hour when the kids aren't home." The hubby and I used to do this but after the wedding date night sort of took a back seat for a few months. As a result I ended up feeling more and more disconnected from him. I would look at him, and love him still but wonder where that spark went. I told him that he needed to make more of an effort and wouldn't you know, he listened to me for once. Last weekend he took me on the most amazing date. A fancy dinner with lots of drinks and a concert. It was fantastic! I felt like I was on a first date, butterflies and all. We drank champagne, whispered dirty things in each others ears and made out like high schoolers. Then just as the band begins to play, I slide my hand up his leg and run my tongue seductively around his ear, I gaze over his shoulder and who do I see staring back at me? The parents of one of my students...that sure killed my buzz. I was mortified! She ended up striking up a conversation about how her child was doing in class too. They sat behind us the entire night, which of course meant we had to keep our hands off each other. So the moral of this story is that although date nights are a wonderful idea and can really amp up the love life...make sure you know whose sitting behind you.

Crossing The Line

There is a line that every woman has. It's the line that separates your personal life and belongings from the life you share with your husband. When you are just dating or engaged that line is very clear and distinct. Your partner should have no question as to where that line is, he stays on his side of the line, you stay on yours. Then you get married and no one tells you that that line does not just begin to blur, it flat out up and disappears. Think about it, it begins when you start sharing a bed, it's not your bed anymore, it's "our" bed. Then you get married and it becomes "our" room then "our" house then "our" money and then finally "our" life. Your dreams are not your own anymore, once that hits you everything changes. It hit me hardcore last night. I watched my husband pick up MY toothbrush, brush his teeth and put it back because he was too lazy to find his own damn toothbrush and he "didn't think I'd care." That's when it hit me, I don't have my own life anymore, hell I don't even have my own damn toothbrush anymore. You share everything with your husband whether you like it or not an no one tells you that. Most women go into marriage thinking it will be the same as dating just with a ring, that nothing will change, you will both continue to live your own separate lives and just share some common ground; but it's just not true. When the officiant says that "these two people are now one" he means it, you share one life....and in some cases the same freakin toothbrush!!

Letting Go...

My husband has a cousin, let's call him Dan. Dan was a notorious womanizer. I have yet to meet him but in the three and a half years my husband and I have been together I have heard countless Danny stories. Apparently he was tall, dark haired with bright blue eyes and very very built. He would spend hours daily at the gym taking care of his body, needless to say he was very vain. So flash forward to the other night when my husband is talking on the phone making plans to meet up with Danny. I overhear the two of them laughingly comparing how much weight they've gained since becoming one woman men. Am I allowed to say it was a little sad? The two of them literally compared waist sizes....to hear them you would think it was two girls only instead of fretting over the extra poundage these two baboons seemed quite proud of themselves. Seriously, I weigh less now then I did when we first met. I try to keep myself in shape and looking good, the hubby on the other hand has just stopped caring. No he did not trick me into marrying him, I did not marry him for his looks (although I think he's handsome) but isn't it a little bit of a trick? I mean honestly, most men work out, dress nice, smell nice, keep themselves generally clean, fit and shaven when they're single and you think "that there is a fine looking man, I wouldn't mind waking up to that every morning." Then BAM! Three years goes by and there is this man sitting across from you, and the personality is the same, the same bright blue eyes look back at me, but the muscles are gone, the belly hangs over the belt buckle and you can no longer remember the last time he shaved more than once in any given week....welcome to married life.

Apparently I'm Normal

So I was talking to my therapist yesterday, yes I have a therapist, I used to think that therapy was just for rich snobs and crazy people who couldn't hack it at life. Well, I was wrong. I have found that sitting there on the couch with complete free reign to talk about my life gives me the same warm, safe feeling I used to get by curling up next to my mother and telling her what was going on in my life. Now that my mother is half a country away from me, it's nice to get the same comfort, advice and tough love from my therapist...although it would be nice if I didn't have to pay for it. Anyway, I finally worked up the nerve to ask my therapist if it was normal to occasionally have the undieing urge to fly to Europe and run away with the first good looking, pirate like stranger who will have you..well, maybe not the first stranger but you know what I mean, to fantasize about leaving it all behind you and finding a new adventure elsewhere. She looked at me very seriously and said, " I dream of selling my man on ebay at least once a month." It was a much needed little reality check. Yes, it is completely normal to mourn all of the adventures and journeys your life could have been. It doesn't mean that your a bad wife, or that you love your husband any less it simply means that you crazy adventure and miss being able to uproot yourself at a moments notice and follow your latest boy or whim to the other ends of the earth. So my next question is, how can I put that same sense of adventure into married life? Any ideas?

The Cool Wife

In every office, every group of married men really, there is one wife all of the men are jealous of. It's not that she is hotter than the others, not because she has legs that go on for days, it's because she let's her husband get away with things the other wives do not. She could careless when she finds porn on the browser, she buys her husband tickets to a hockey game for Christmas and thinks it's funny when he calls drunk from a strip club downtown at an office buddy's going away party...in other words, she's the "Cool Wife." Now I cannot compete with the other wives at the company my husband works at in any other way, they are typically gorgeous, perfectly groomed in their designer duds carrying their coach purses with their perfectly manicured hands. When they hear that I'm in the arts they say " well that's nice," at the holiday party this year, I asked one of them if I should dress up, she told me that they were all wearing jeans... when I got there they were all wearing dresses. But, apparently, I have beat them in a different way, you see, I am the "Cool Wife." The men were talking about Valentine's Day at the office and all scrambling to figure out something to do for their wives when they all stumbled upon a burlesque show not far from us. Of course the men would love to see it but none of their wives would let them, not only did I tell the husband he can go, but that I'd go too and we'd make that our Valentine's Day date. You mean your letting your husband watch practically naked women do sexy things on stage as part of your V-day date? Yup, that's why I'm the "Cool Wife."

The Intern

The husband has an intern at work. A "spunky" blond intern at work. A "spunky" blond, female intern at work whose waist is the size of my thigh. Now, I trust my husband but I can't help but be a little bit of a jealous bitch. He showed me her pictures on facebook and I swear she looks so friggin perfect in every damn one that I through up a little in my mouth. He did this in hopes of showing me a facebook picture, you know you have one, the obvious morning after shot or the "I was soo wasted" pic. I have one where a zit is literally trying to eat my entire face. We all have at least one super unflattering shot currently being publicly displayed in cyber space...not this bitch. Perfect pretty hair, beautiful make-up and great stylish outfits. Did I mention she has a southern twang as well? She's a student at the University my husband sells to and every year in April he goes down there for a conference. Three days in a conference center in the mountains of Tennessee, over looking a waterfall, alone without cell phone reception. This is not good. I trust my husband but still, that's like leaving a starving dog alone with a bone he's not supposed to eat..

The Rat..

Back when we were dating, my wonderful husband gave me the cutest little black and white kitten for my birthday. We joke that he's more human then kitten, he likes to put random objects in the toilet, hair ties, headbands, wrappers, bottle caps really anything he finds lying around. He also likes to fill the husband's shoes with Que-tips. He used to drag the husband's boxers into his litter box, cover his poop with the boxers then bury the boxers with litter...yah he's an odd one. So last night as we're sitting on the couch watching a movie, we see that he's batting something around under the table. I figured it was my chap stick which he loves to slide around the floor or the hubbies undies but went over to investigate. Curled up in the fetal position is a baby rat, not a mouse, this sucker had the longest tail I have ever seen it was a freakin brown baby rat!! I shrieked, now I grew up in the country and could totally deal with the little grey field mice we used to find around the house. In fact my sister once found me outside playing with a field mouse insisting it was a baby kangaroo. But this was a bonified Chicago rat!! So what does that big, strong, husband of mine do? He stands there refusing to touch it! He flat out couldn't even bring himself to get close to it! I scooped it up with the lid from a box and put it outside. Sadly this morning it hadn't moved, it looked like the cat had played with it to death. We figured out that it can from the heater closet, the floor around the heater is broken in places and it looks like the cat had been digging parts of it up and found it's new toy. I'm kind of wigged out about the whole thing but that's Chicago for you.

In the Dog House...

Due to a hectic and stressful week this week, and the fact that all last week the husband was a coughing, sneezing, dripping snot fest, I have not gotten laid in two weeks. This makes me just a little bit grumpy. So last night the girls came over for the usual wine and chick flicks, but this being one of the girl's last night in the city, we went a little overboard on boos and girl talk. It was past one when I finally stumbled off to bed and curled up beside the snoring hubby. Next thing I know it's two in the morning and Mr. Sleepy over there suddenly decides now is as good a time as ever to wake me up and make with the foreplay. Did I mention I needed to be up at 7:30 this morning? As much as I enjoy this mid-night (or early morning rather) treat, I can hardly keep my eyes open. So we're about to get it on when I feel the words slip out of my mouth, "can we get this over with I have to get up in a few hours." Yup, that killed it. As soon as I said it I wished I hadn't, it was literally one of those slow motion moments when you hear yourself say something and at the same time your wishing you could pluck the words from the air and cram them back down your throat. Needless to say, I'll be lucky if I get laid anytime this century after that mishap. So now I'm horny, and grumpy, and still not getting laid and the worst part is, my vibrator is still broken. I would ask for a new one for Valentine's day but I think it would send the wrong message.

The Newly Wed Myth

It might be hard to believe, but newly weds are not always dewy eyed, hand holding, love making machines. There will be times when you will look at the person sitting across from you and you'll think "so this is it, you and me forever and always." You'll even wonder what life would be like if you weren't married to them. I have been feeling disconnected from the husband all week and as much as I know it's because things aren't exactly peachy keen in my work life right now (yes, how you feel about work or friends will flow over into your married life) I couldn't help but wonder how different my life would be if I hadn't married him. I can picture my life without him, I'm not saying it would be any better, it would just be different. My work life would be much much better but I'd be horribly lonesome. Then just as I'm standing there, thinking, freezing my ass off, he reaches out and pulls me close to him. He pulls my hood up over my ears and rubs my arms till I'm warm again and in my mind the little light bulb goes off, "oh yah, that's why I chose him." When you feel disconnected, take a deep breath, stop worrying about everything else in life and let him in again, it'll come back to you, I promise.

Prenatal Vitamins?

Amazingly enough, being put on prenatal vitamins was not the best part of my doctors appointment. As soon as I told my primary care doctor, who I've had since I was a preteen and she was just in med school, that I'm lactating, she couldn't stop laughing. Although she knew that the cause was most likely the stomach medication, she had to runs some tests just to be sure and of course the first test involved milking me...there's just no other way to describe it, I've been milked. Now it's not like she milked me for no good reason, she had to make sure there wasn't any blood coming out or else it could be cancerous (no worries, I was blood free). She also ordered a few blood tests including a pregnancy test which led us to talk about having children and the complications of the stomach medication. I told her that the husband and I are planning on starting the whole "let's get pregnant" thing this time next year at the earliest, she said that the stomach meds should get out of my system pretty fast but that I will have to go off the birth control in the fall and should begin taking prenatal vitamins now...I'm a little freaked about taking the prenatal vitamins, it makes it feel so real! As if suddenly being old enough to be married wasn't scary enough, I'm now prepping for motherhood...when did time catch up with me?

I Think I Broke it...

I broke my vibrator, or rather it broke its self. I wasn't doing anything with it yet, granted I had plans for it but it apparently had had enough and broke in two instead. I've had it for two years and the husband and I often use it during sex so I guess the poor little thing has taken quite a beating over the years. I suppose if I had been smushed between two people having sex for years I would break too. It literally broke in two. Have you ever seen the insides of one of those things? It's intense! There's this little spiny thing that twirls around like like a freakin motor-boat engine! I was afraid if I left the plastic off for too long it would take off. So here is my question, should one super glue a vibrator? Even if it's only used for "land roving" and not for "deep sea diving" as my husband calls it? I love this vibrator, it's just the perfect little gizmo but it was after all, only $5.99 at the sex shop in Old Town. The husband bought it for me back when we were dating as a gag because it came with a carrying case that looked like a Toosie Roll, but the little guy has served us well. I guess it is time to move on.

The Snoring Dilemma

The other night I awoke not to a horrible stench like before, but to a sound much like that of a cow in heat. Trust me, I grew up on a farm, I'd know that sound anywhere! Sadly, like the stench, this too was coming from the husband. Not knowing what else to do, I shook him till he rolled over which unfortunately turned the steady moo like snoring into raspy pig like snorts that were twice as loud. I gave up, grabbed as many blankets as I could and resigned myself to the couch. Good thing we have a comfy couch, he has a sinus infection so it looks like I will be spending the next couple of nights there. It's funny how men's prospective on themselves can change in an instant. Before he went to the doctor the husband insisted he was fine, that it was just a little cold and nothing to fuss about. He refused to take the dayquil I left out for him and wanted nothing to do with the homemade chicken noodle soup I offered to make but as soon as the doctor told him that it's a sinus infection he suddenly became completely helpless. All he wants now is to be babied, obviously I already did the whole maternal "let me take care of you" thing and am just a little over it. We'll see how it goes.

On the Bright Side....

My boobs are huge. Well, not huge like double D's but for a girl who is usually what Victoria's Secret calls a B, which simply means I'm an A cup who needs more than a training bra, I'm feeling pretty good. For the first time in my life I actually fill my B cup, no more gap between the cup and the boob...I'm always afraid I'm gonna drop crumbs and crap in there. The husband seems to like this little perk.

We're Fighting Over Undwear?

The husband and I had a huge blow out today, over what else, underwear. Well, I guess it was over laundry but specifically underwear. No, it didn't have anything to do with skid marks, Sex and the City covered that one and yes ladies they will happen and you just kinda gotta get over that one. Our fight was over my underwear, not his. You see, I'm the type of girl who will do one or two small loads of laundry a week. I'll wash my panties and jeans and put in the things that the husband goes through the most, white and black under shirts, black socks and boxers. The hubby on the other hand, waits until he is out of everything and then goes on a laundry binge! He'll spend an entire day doing load after load of his laundry. Last Sunday was one such day, and being the loving partner that he is, he offered to throw in a few pairs of my undies along with the mountains of crap he was washing for himself. Now fast forward a few hours, everything is done and in laundry bags sitting in the living room. Being in a particularly agreeable mood and happy to have a few pairs of clean undies, I begin to fold the husband's clean clothes. I get through a bag and a half before I keel over. Apparently this means two things in guy mind: first that if you start folding laundry your obligated to finish it, and secondly that since he was nice enough to wash four pairs of panties for you in return you should fold all three giant bags of his and his only laundry. Needless to say, I was freakin pissed! Why the heck should I finish folding his laundry when I was nice enough to fold a bag and a half for him without him asking? I just don't understand his logic. Was I the one who decided to do four huge loads of laundry? Did I decide to wait till I had nothing clean then wash every piece of clothing I had? Hhhmm so then why the hell would I be the one responsible for folding it all? I don't know how I allowed myself to be talked into this, but after twenty minutes of screaming at him over the phone about how he can fold his own freakin laundry, I am watching WEtv and about to fold till my hands fall off....ladies my advice to you, don't cave like I did.

The Good, the Bad and the Down Right Strange

Sometimes things will happen in your marriage that your not ready for. They're the hardest when they only affect one of you. It's hard for the other partner to understand what your going through, or for you to relate to your partner's problem. Sometimes they're problems you knew you would face eventually just not so soon , but other times they're problems you never expected to face at all. The other night for example I realized I was lactating. Yes you heard me right, lactating. I had that initial moment of panic " what the heck is wrong with me" moment, then it set in, "oh my gosh I must be pregnant." I just sat there with this cheezy grin on my face running everything through my head. Could this really be? I've been on might just be the world's strongest birth control since I was twelve (to help with cramps) and had a cyst the size of a tennis ball removed from my ovary and uterus when I was 18, now suddenly completely by accident I'm pregnant? No, of course not, it couldn't be that simple, not for me. I called the first person I could think of who would know anything about breast milk, my mother, who informed me that lactating doesn't happen until the last trimester of pregnancy....take a test but chances are your not expecting. An awkward phone conversation and many comments about now knowing how a cow feels later, my husband agreed to pick up a pregnancy test. After I got over the fact that of all the pregnancy tests lining that line the aisles of the pharmacy, my man chose the Walgreen's brand two for one test, yup that's classy, and the fact that it is difficult as hell to pee on that tiny stick for five seconds, by the time you finally figure out where to hold it your done peeing, five seconds is alot of pee. Well, there's just nothing sadder than seeing that little blue negative line when your secretly hopping to see the positive pink plus sign. the doctor called today and it turns out the medication I'm on to help my stomach digest food, can raise the lactilate levels in my body which causes me to produce breast milk. He wants to keep me on the medication but also said that this will make it difficult for me to conceive. Now my husband and I are in no hurry for a bundle of joy, I mean yes I was secretly hopping for an oops baby but we won't be purposefully be trying anytime soon. Now we will have to plan way in advance when we we want to start trying and it will take a few months at least for my levels to drop back down before I'll be able to get pregnant, which means a few months of my stomach being horrible and getting sick when my body can't digest on it's own. I'm going in to talk to a doctor about how this whole thing will work and how far in advance I'll need to go off the medication on Friday. I guess this is just one issue I never thought I'd have to face. I know it's not an issue at the moment since we aren't trying for kids yet, but I'm worried about the future. We'll see what they tell me on Friday.

When Did This Become Okay?

Okay, we've all been there. Sitting in bed or on the couch with our man when you realize you have to pass gas. You wiggle, twist your hips away from your partner, make up an excuse to leave the room and hope to God that it won't slip out before you get there, anything you can to keep it in or let it loose without your man noticing. I once had one escape in front of a then boyfriend, it wasn't the worse thing in the world, wasn't even a full on fart just the tiniest of toots, but needless to say I was mortified! I immediately made up an excuse about homework or an early class in the morning and left. We never mentioned the event again, it was a mutual unspoken pact, let's just pretend it never happened. I always figured men tried equally as hard to hide their bodily gases from their spouses and significant others, I mean wouldn't that make the most sense? Apparently not, it's just another one of the unspoken wifedoms. My husband has let it rip in front of me, nothing too bad, I think it's mostly that he's too lazy to try to hide it from me, that and as he's said before, he knows that I'll love him no matter how smelly he happens to be, but last night was not okay!! Cuddled up in our warm bed, I was awakened from a sound sleep by the most God awful stench I have ever encountered (this coming from a girl who lived down the hall from a dead lady in the month of July for three weeks before the apartment complex realized that one of the old ladies had died was coming from). I awoke just in time to watch my husband, still half asleep, lift up the blanket, fan out the stench, then roll over like it never happened. I was horrified!! When is that ever okay!? It is not okay to fart in bed, like full on smelly ass, fart in bed with your partner beside you. I mean, technically it's not okay to ever fart in bed, but if your alone and let one slip I mean who's gonna care but this was just not right. I couldn't help but think, this is what being married is all about, does all decency go out the window as soon as the rings go on? Is my husband so completely comfortable in my love for him that he will now pass gas when and where ever he pleases in my presence..should I be touched that he's that secure in our marriage? Nope, sorry this is just yucky. We had a brief "this is not okay" talk this morning, but he thought it was hilarious and is claiming he did this in sleep...I'll let you know how things pan out.

Good Luck Masturbating....

Okay, I know how weird it sounds but it's true. Everyone needs a little self love now and again. There will be nights when even the horniest husband will have a headache, or fake a headache and then mysteriously be well enough to watch the football game, it's just bound to happen. About a month into married life I learned a little lesson about privacy, the hard way... I walked home from the gym feel unstoppable. Needless to say by the time I got home I had a plan. I slinked into the living room, slowly peeling off my yoga pants, you know the deal the whole "strip tease, you, me bedroom now" thing, only to be met with, "hunny your sexy but I'm just so tired tonight." Defeated, I put on my best pouty face, collected my clothes and stomped naked through the house and into our bedroom. After contemplating the outcome I did what any self respecting in-the-mood-but-not-getting-any woman would do, pulled out my vibrator and shut off the lights. Now, if I were still living alone this would have lead to a happy ending and a good night's sleep, not so much when your bedroom isn't just your bedroom. Mid "me time" I hear "baby, are you still awake?" I immediately twisted the vibrator to off and laid perfectly still pretending to be asleep. My loving husband belly flopped onto the bed to put his arms around me, which of course turned on the vibrator. Breaking the silence was a very distinct buzzing noise, "hunny?"I couldn't help it, I bursted out laughing and had to fess up to the whole thing. Of course my husband thought it was hysterical and still teases me about it, but still. I guess my advice would be to wait till your husband isn't home before having your "me time".

The Back Story

After the months of wedding planning, toiling over flowers and tule and viels and bridal gowns, sitting in the midst of half eaten wedding cake and left over chamagne it began to hit me, I'm a wife. There was no warning for the changes to come. It's the untalked about, untouchable secret that all new wives share...your not a girlfriend anymore. Now, foolish me I knew the title would change, that I'd suddently be signing with a name that wasn't my own but little did I know about all of the other changes that take place when you cross over to the realm of wifedom. The first and biggest change was that there was no turning back. As a girlfriend you always have the option of going home, stomping your feet or walking out...as a wife that's not really an option (well it is an option but one that comes with a whole hell of alot of paperwork and the title divorce') but you know what I mean, you can't just leave. You've made a major comittment and as my father said, "home is where your husband is." He told me that the first time I called home crying, my husband and I had been fighting and I was having a hardtime finding a job. Now granted, this advice comes from a man who left his wife and kids twelve years ago and now sleeps with his ex-sister-in-law, but still, there is some truth in his words. My first instinct was to call my daddy, go home and everything would be better, but when your married you can't just run home, home becomes the place you live with your husband even if you can't stand that place, you have to think of it as home you have to build yourself a home together. So throughout this year I will try to write about my expiriences, about the joys, the struggles and the changes that I wasn't prepared for.