In the Dog House...

Due to a hectic and stressful week this week, and the fact that all last week the husband was a coughing, sneezing, dripping snot fest, I have not gotten laid in two weeks. This makes me just a little bit grumpy. So last night the girls came over for the usual wine and chick flicks, but this being one of the girl's last night in the city, we went a little overboard on boos and girl talk. It was past one when I finally stumbled off to bed and curled up beside the snoring hubby. Next thing I know it's two in the morning and Mr. Sleepy over there suddenly decides now is as good a time as ever to wake me up and make with the foreplay. Did I mention I needed to be up at 7:30 this morning? As much as I enjoy this mid-night (or early morning rather) treat, I can hardly keep my eyes open. So we're about to get it on when I feel the words slip out of my mouth, "can we get this over with I have to get up in a few hours." Yup, that killed it. As soon as I said it I wished I hadn't, it was literally one of those slow motion moments when you hear yourself say something and at the same time your wishing you could pluck the words from the air and cram them back down your throat. Needless to say, I'll be lucky if I get laid anytime this century after that mishap. So now I'm horny, and grumpy, and still not getting laid and the worst part is, my vibrator is still broken. I would ask for a new one for Valentine's day but I think it would send the wrong message.

The Newly Wed Myth

It might be hard to believe, but newly weds are not always dewy eyed, hand holding, love making machines. There will be times when you will look at the person sitting across from you and you'll think "so this is it, you and me forever and always." You'll even wonder what life would be like if you weren't married to them. I have been feeling disconnected from the husband all week and as much as I know it's because things aren't exactly peachy keen in my work life right now (yes, how you feel about work or friends will flow over into your married life) I couldn't help but wonder how different my life would be if I hadn't married him. I can picture my life without him, I'm not saying it would be any better, it would just be different. My work life would be much much better but I'd be horribly lonesome. Then just as I'm standing there, thinking, freezing my ass off, he reaches out and pulls me close to him. He pulls my hood up over my ears and rubs my arms till I'm warm again and in my mind the little light bulb goes off, "oh yah, that's why I chose him." When you feel disconnected, take a deep breath, stop worrying about everything else in life and let him in again, it'll come back to you, I promise.

Prenatal Vitamins?

Amazingly enough, being put on prenatal vitamins was not the best part of my doctors appointment. As soon as I told my primary care doctor, who I've had since I was a preteen and she was just in med school, that I'm lactating, she couldn't stop laughing. Although she knew that the cause was most likely the stomach medication, she had to runs some tests just to be sure and of course the first test involved milking me...there's just no other way to describe it, I've been milked. Now it's not like she milked me for no good reason, she had to make sure there wasn't any blood coming out or else it could be cancerous (no worries, I was blood free). She also ordered a few blood tests including a pregnancy test which led us to talk about having children and the complications of the stomach medication. I told her that the husband and I are planning on starting the whole "let's get pregnant" thing this time next year at the earliest, she said that the stomach meds should get out of my system pretty fast but that I will have to go off the birth control in the fall and should begin taking prenatal vitamins now...I'm a little freaked about taking the prenatal vitamins, it makes it feel so real! As if suddenly being old enough to be married wasn't scary enough, I'm now prepping for motherhood...when did time catch up with me?

I Think I Broke it...

I broke my vibrator, or rather it broke its self. I wasn't doing anything with it yet, granted I had plans for it but it apparently had had enough and broke in two instead. I've had it for two years and the husband and I often use it during sex so I guess the poor little thing has taken quite a beating over the years. I suppose if I had been smushed between two people having sex for years I would break too. It literally broke in two. Have you ever seen the insides of one of those things? It's intense! There's this little spiny thing that twirls around like like a freakin motor-boat engine! I was afraid if I left the plastic off for too long it would take off. So here is my question, should one super glue a vibrator? Even if it's only used for "land roving" and not for "deep sea diving" as my husband calls it? I love this vibrator, it's just the perfect little gizmo but it was after all, only $5.99 at the sex shop in Old Town. The husband bought it for me back when we were dating as a gag because it came with a carrying case that looked like a Toosie Roll, but the little guy has served us well. I guess it is time to move on.

The Snoring Dilemma

The other night I awoke not to a horrible stench like before, but to a sound much like that of a cow in heat. Trust me, I grew up on a farm, I'd know that sound anywhere! Sadly, like the stench, this too was coming from the husband. Not knowing what else to do, I shook him till he rolled over which unfortunately turned the steady moo like snoring into raspy pig like snorts that were twice as loud. I gave up, grabbed as many blankets as I could and resigned myself to the couch. Good thing we have a comfy couch, he has a sinus infection so it looks like I will be spending the next couple of nights there. It's funny how men's prospective on themselves can change in an instant. Before he went to the doctor the husband insisted he was fine, that it was just a little cold and nothing to fuss about. He refused to take the dayquil I left out for him and wanted nothing to do with the homemade chicken noodle soup I offered to make but as soon as the doctor told him that it's a sinus infection he suddenly became completely helpless. All he wants now is to be babied, obviously I already did the whole maternal "let me take care of you" thing and am just a little over it. We'll see how it goes.

On the Bright Side....

My boobs are huge. Well, not huge like double D's but for a girl who is usually what Victoria's Secret calls a B, which simply means I'm an A cup who needs more than a training bra, I'm feeling pretty good. For the first time in my life I actually fill my B cup, no more gap between the cup and the boob...I'm always afraid I'm gonna drop crumbs and crap in there. The husband seems to like this little perk.

We're Fighting Over Undwear?

The husband and I had a huge blow out today, over what else, underwear. Well, I guess it was over laundry but specifically underwear. No, it didn't have anything to do with skid marks, Sex and the City covered that one and yes ladies they will happen and you just kinda gotta get over that one. Our fight was over my underwear, not his. You see, I'm the type of girl who will do one or two small loads of laundry a week. I'll wash my panties and jeans and put in the things that the husband goes through the most, white and black under shirts, black socks and boxers. The hubby on the other hand, waits until he is out of everything and then goes on a laundry binge! He'll spend an entire day doing load after load of his laundry. Last Sunday was one such day, and being the loving partner that he is, he offered to throw in a few pairs of my undies along with the mountains of crap he was washing for himself. Now fast forward a few hours, everything is done and in laundry bags sitting in the living room. Being in a particularly agreeable mood and happy to have a few pairs of clean undies, I begin to fold the husband's clean clothes. I get through a bag and a half before I keel over. Apparently this means two things in guy mind: first that if you start folding laundry your obligated to finish it, and secondly that since he was nice enough to wash four pairs of panties for you in return you should fold all three giant bags of his and his only laundry. Needless to say, I was freakin pissed! Why the heck should I finish folding his laundry when I was nice enough to fold a bag and a half for him without him asking? I just don't understand his logic. Was I the one who decided to do four huge loads of laundry? Did I decide to wait till I had nothing clean then wash every piece of clothing I had? Hhhmm so then why the hell would I be the one responsible for folding it all? I don't know how I allowed myself to be talked into this, but after twenty minutes of screaming at him over the phone about how he can fold his own freakin laundry, I am watching WEtv and about to fold till my hands fall off....ladies my advice to you, don't cave like I did.

The Good, the Bad and the Down Right Strange

Sometimes things will happen in your marriage that your not ready for. They're the hardest when they only affect one of you. It's hard for the other partner to understand what your going through, or for you to relate to your partner's problem. Sometimes they're problems you knew you would face eventually just not so soon , but other times they're problems you never expected to face at all. The other night for example I realized I was lactating. Yes you heard me right, lactating. I had that initial moment of panic " what the heck is wrong with me" moment, then it set in, "oh my gosh I must be pregnant." I just sat there with this cheezy grin on my face running everything through my head. Could this really be? I've been on might just be the world's strongest birth control since I was twelve (to help with cramps) and had a cyst the size of a tennis ball removed from my ovary and uterus when I was 18, now suddenly completely by accident I'm pregnant? No, of course not, it couldn't be that simple, not for me. I called the first person I could think of who would know anything about breast milk, my mother, who informed me that lactating doesn't happen until the last trimester of pregnancy....take a test but chances are your not expecting. An awkward phone conversation and many comments about now knowing how a cow feels later, my husband agreed to pick up a pregnancy test. After I got over the fact that of all the pregnancy tests lining that line the aisles of the pharmacy, my man chose the Walgreen's brand two for one test, yup that's classy, and the fact that it is difficult as hell to pee on that tiny stick for five seconds, by the time you finally figure out where to hold it your done peeing, five seconds is alot of pee. Well, there's just nothing sadder than seeing that little blue negative line when your secretly hopping to see the positive pink plus sign. the doctor called today and it turns out the medication I'm on to help my stomach digest food, can raise the lactilate levels in my body which causes me to produce breast milk. He wants to keep me on the medication but also said that this will make it difficult for me to conceive. Now my husband and I are in no hurry for a bundle of joy, I mean yes I was secretly hopping for an oops baby but we won't be purposefully be trying anytime soon. Now we will have to plan way in advance when we we want to start trying and it will take a few months at least for my levels to drop back down before I'll be able to get pregnant, which means a few months of my stomach being horrible and getting sick when my body can't digest on it's own. I'm going in to talk to a doctor about how this whole thing will work and how far in advance I'll need to go off the medication on Friday. I guess this is just one issue I never thought I'd have to face. I know it's not an issue at the moment since we aren't trying for kids yet, but I'm worried about the future. We'll see what they tell me on Friday.

When Did This Become Okay?

Okay, we've all been there. Sitting in bed or on the couch with our man when you realize you have to pass gas. You wiggle, twist your hips away from your partner, make up an excuse to leave the room and hope to God that it won't slip out before you get there, anything you can to keep it in or let it loose without your man noticing. I once had one escape in front of a then boyfriend, it wasn't the worse thing in the world, wasn't even a full on fart just the tiniest of toots, but needless to say I was mortified! I immediately made up an excuse about homework or an early class in the morning and left. We never mentioned the event again, it was a mutual unspoken pact, let's just pretend it never happened. I always figured men tried equally as hard to hide their bodily gases from their spouses and significant others, I mean wouldn't that make the most sense? Apparently not, it's just another one of the unspoken wifedoms. My husband has let it rip in front of me, nothing too bad, I think it's mostly that he's too lazy to try to hide it from me, that and as he's said before, he knows that I'll love him no matter how smelly he happens to be, but last night was not okay!! Cuddled up in our warm bed, I was awakened from a sound sleep by the most God awful stench I have ever encountered (this coming from a girl who lived down the hall from a dead lady in the month of July for three weeks before the apartment complex realized that one of the old ladies had died was coming from). I awoke just in time to watch my husband, still half asleep, lift up the blanket, fan out the stench, then roll over like it never happened. I was horrified!! When is that ever okay!? It is not okay to fart in bed, like full on smelly ass, fart in bed with your partner beside you. I mean, technically it's not okay to ever fart in bed, but if your alone and let one slip I mean who's gonna care but this was just not right. I couldn't help but think, this is what being married is all about, does all decency go out the window as soon as the rings go on? Is my husband so completely comfortable in my love for him that he will now pass gas when and where ever he pleases in my presence..should I be touched that he's that secure in our marriage? Nope, sorry this is just yucky. We had a brief "this is not okay" talk this morning, but he thought it was hilarious and is claiming he did this in sleep...I'll let you know how things pan out.

Good Luck Masturbating....

Okay, I know how weird it sounds but it's true. Everyone needs a little self love now and again. There will be nights when even the horniest husband will have a headache, or fake a headache and then mysteriously be well enough to watch the football game, it's just bound to happen. About a month into married life I learned a little lesson about privacy, the hard way... I walked home from the gym feel unstoppable. Needless to say by the time I got home I had a plan. I slinked into the living room, slowly peeling off my yoga pants, you know the deal the whole "strip tease, you, me bedroom now" thing, only to be met with, "hunny your sexy but I'm just so tired tonight." Defeated, I put on my best pouty face, collected my clothes and stomped naked through the house and into our bedroom. After contemplating the outcome I did what any self respecting in-the-mood-but-not-getting-any woman would do, pulled out my vibrator and shut off the lights. Now, if I were still living alone this would have lead to a happy ending and a good night's sleep, not so much when your bedroom isn't just your bedroom. Mid "me time" I hear "baby, are you still awake?" I immediately twisted the vibrator to off and laid perfectly still pretending to be asleep. My loving husband belly flopped onto the bed to put his arms around me, which of course turned on the vibrator. Breaking the silence was a very distinct buzzing noise, "hunny?"I couldn't help it, I bursted out laughing and had to fess up to the whole thing. Of course my husband thought it was hysterical and still teases me about it, but still. I guess my advice would be to wait till your husband isn't home before having your "me time".

The Back Story

After the months of wedding planning, toiling over flowers and tule and viels and bridal gowns, sitting in the midst of half eaten wedding cake and left over chamagne it began to hit me, I'm a wife. There was no warning for the changes to come. It's the untalked about, untouchable secret that all new wives share...your not a girlfriend anymore. Now, foolish me I knew the title would change, that I'd suddently be signing with a name that wasn't my own but little did I know about all of the other changes that take place when you cross over to the realm of wifedom. The first and biggest change was that there was no turning back. As a girlfriend you always have the option of going home, stomping your feet or walking out...as a wife that's not really an option (well it is an option but one that comes with a whole hell of alot of paperwork and the title divorce') but you know what I mean, you can't just leave. You've made a major comittment and as my father said, "home is where your husband is." He told me that the first time I called home crying, my husband and I had been fighting and I was having a hardtime finding a job. Now granted, this advice comes from a man who left his wife and kids twelve years ago and now sleeps with his ex-sister-in-law, but still, there is some truth in his words. My first instinct was to call my daddy, go home and everything would be better, but when your married you can't just run home, home becomes the place you live with your husband even if you can't stand that place, you have to think of it as home you have to build yourself a home together. So throughout this year I will try to write about my expiriences, about the joys, the struggles and the changes that I wasn't prepared for.