Letting Go...

My husband has a cousin, let's call him Dan. Dan was a notorious womanizer. I have yet to meet him but in the three and a half years my husband and I have been together I have heard countless Danny stories. Apparently he was tall, dark haired with bright blue eyes and very very built. He would spend hours daily at the gym taking care of his body, needless to say he was very vain. So flash forward to the other night when my husband is talking on the phone making plans to meet up with Danny. I overhear the two of them laughingly comparing how much weight they've gained since becoming one woman men. Am I allowed to say it was a little sad? The two of them literally compared waist sizes....to hear them you would think it was two girls only instead of fretting over the extra poundage these two baboons seemed quite proud of themselves. Seriously, I weigh less now then I did when we first met. I try to keep myself in shape and looking good, the hubby on the other hand has just stopped caring. No he did not trick me into marrying him, I did not marry him for his looks (although I think he's handsome) but isn't it a little bit of a trick? I mean honestly, most men work out, dress nice, smell nice, keep themselves generally clean, fit and shaven when they're single and you think "that there is a fine looking man, I wouldn't mind waking up to that every morning." Then BAM! Three years goes by and there is this man sitting across from you, and the personality is the same, the same bright blue eyes look back at me, but the muscles are gone, the belly hangs over the belt buckle and you can no longer remember the last time he shaved more than once in any given week....welcome to married life.

Apparently I'm Normal

So I was talking to my therapist yesterday, yes I have a therapist, I used to think that therapy was just for rich snobs and crazy people who couldn't hack it at life. Well, I was wrong. I have found that sitting there on the couch with complete free reign to talk about my life gives me the same warm, safe feeling I used to get by curling up next to my mother and telling her what was going on in my life. Now that my mother is half a country away from me, it's nice to get the same comfort, advice and tough love from my therapist...although it would be nice if I didn't have to pay for it. Anyway, I finally worked up the nerve to ask my therapist if it was normal to occasionally have the undieing urge to fly to Europe and run away with the first good looking, pirate like stranger who will have you..well, maybe not the first stranger but you know what I mean, to fantasize about leaving it all behind you and finding a new adventure elsewhere. She looked at me very seriously and said, " I dream of selling my man on ebay at least once a month." It was a much needed little reality check. Yes, it is completely normal to mourn all of the adventures and journeys your life could have been. It doesn't mean that your a bad wife, or that you love your husband any less it simply means that you crazy adventure and miss being able to uproot yourself at a moments notice and follow your latest boy or whim to the other ends of the earth. So my next question is, how can I put that same sense of adventure into married life? Any ideas?

The Cool Wife

In every office, every group of married men really, there is one wife all of the men are jealous of. It's not that she is hotter than the others, not because she has legs that go on for days, it's because she let's her husband get away with things the other wives do not. She could careless when she finds porn on the browser, she buys her husband tickets to a hockey game for Christmas and thinks it's funny when he calls drunk from a strip club downtown at an office buddy's going away party...in other words, she's the "Cool Wife." Now I cannot compete with the other wives at the company my husband works at in any other way, they are typically gorgeous, perfectly groomed in their designer duds carrying their coach purses with their perfectly manicured hands. When they hear that I'm in the arts they say " well that's nice," at the holiday party this year, I asked one of them if I should dress up, she told me that they were all wearing jeans... when I got there they were all wearing dresses. But, apparently, I have beat them in a different way, you see, I am the "Cool Wife." The men were talking about Valentine's Day at the office and all scrambling to figure out something to do for their wives when they all stumbled upon a burlesque show not far from us. Of course the men would love to see it but none of their wives would let them, not only did I tell the husband he can go, but that I'd go too and we'd make that our Valentine's Day date. You mean your letting your husband watch practically naked women do sexy things on stage as part of your V-day date? Yup, that's why I'm the "Cool Wife."

The Intern

The husband has an intern at work. A "spunky" blond intern at work. A "spunky" blond, female intern at work whose waist is the size of my thigh. Now, I trust my husband but I can't help but be a little bit of a jealous bitch. He showed me her pictures on facebook and I swear she looks so friggin perfect in every damn one that I through up a little in my mouth. He did this in hopes of showing me a facebook picture, you know you have one, the obvious morning after shot or the "I was soo wasted" pic. I have one where a zit is literally trying to eat my entire face. We all have at least one super unflattering shot currently being publicly displayed in cyber space...not this bitch. Perfect pretty hair, beautiful make-up and great stylish outfits. Did I mention she has a southern twang as well? She's a student at the University my husband sells to and every year in April he goes down there for a conference. Three days in a conference center in the mountains of Tennessee, over looking a waterfall, alone without cell phone reception. This is not good. I trust my husband but still, that's like leaving a starving dog alone with a bone he's not supposed to eat..

The Rat..

Back when we were dating, my wonderful husband gave me the cutest little black and white kitten for my birthday. We joke that he's more human then kitten, he likes to put random objects in the toilet, hair ties, headbands, wrappers, bottle caps really anything he finds lying around. He also likes to fill the husband's shoes with Que-tips. He used to drag the husband's boxers into his litter box, cover his poop with the boxers then bury the boxers with litter...yah he's an odd one. So last night as we're sitting on the couch watching a movie, we see that he's batting something around under the table. I figured it was my chap stick which he loves to slide around the floor or the hubbies undies but went over to investigate. Curled up in the fetal position is a baby rat, not a mouse, this sucker had the longest tail I have ever seen it was a freakin brown baby rat!! I shrieked, now I grew up in the country and could totally deal with the little grey field mice we used to find around the house. In fact my sister once found me outside playing with a field mouse insisting it was a baby kangaroo. But this was a bonified Chicago rat!! So what does that big, strong, husband of mine do? He stands there refusing to touch it! He flat out couldn't even bring himself to get close to it! I scooped it up with the lid from a box and put it outside. Sadly this morning it hadn't moved, it looked like the cat had played with it to death. We figured out that it can from the heater closet, the floor around the heater is broken in places and it looks like the cat had been digging parts of it up and found it's new toy. I'm kind of wigged out about the whole thing but that's Chicago for you.